I may have thought I was already through with the pain of losing her, but no… I was not. I am not. Every time her face fell in my mind my heart aches with terrible longing. This yearning to see, talk and hold my maternal grandmother again is beyond what I did imagine. There were no tears that fell or words spoken that would clearly describe how much I miss her. I so damn miss her. I haven’t spoken this way with anyone even with my parents because I am afraid to appear a weakling in times of distress but I admit it is hard to imagine and live life without Lola. She is the sweetest woman I have ever known… the most caring, understanding, the very thoughtful one… and it took me months to write something about her, because the words at that time were like rare butterflies I still need to catch…or should I say like beautiful roses that prick me with thorns of sadness and fear. In the next few days I would go 24, and in one of my conversations with Lola before her death last month we tackled about my birthday. How Lola likes birthdays, especially those of her grandchildren. She has a sweet tooth too like me and I love how we talk about her farm life while having biscuits and coffee. Her motherly skills are superb. She is one of my best confidante, my back-up supporter, my loyal audience when I practice a dance step at home, my comforter when my brother bullies me, and for a couple of times, the only one who seems to understand me. I love her so much. I would do anything to make her smile, laugh, and…painless. It was cancer who stole my grandmother’s life. Pancreatic cancer. And I am very thankful to God because He heard my prayers not to suffer her with so much pain… :’(
