BRIDGE-CROSSING ADULTHOOD:
From Scary Under-My-Bed
Monsters to the Huge Fears of Life
Phase 1: Intro
I have never understood my
frequent mood swings the past few months. But because I have been practicing
the late-hour sleep since last year and suffered delays in my monthly period, I
assumed this is just due to hormones fluctuating, which resulted to my heightened
emotional outburst every now and then. It feels crazy. I feel really crazy
sobbing at random nights, even at random hours of the day for no valid reasons.
The only thing I know is that I feel such kind of loneliness which I can’t
clearly define from which it rooted. But all I know is I was lonely and sad,
melancholic, depressed, downhearted…everything. I definitely have shallow tears
right now compared to what I was before. I shed tears over petty matters, over
things which are not really meant to be taken seriously. I broke down too
easily. When I watched news about murdered families and kidnapped babies, or
heard news about ailing relatives or acquaintances, tears would just liberally
trickle from my eyes. I have never cried so often like this before. I am more
like carefree and happy and active before I reached twenty three. What has
happened to me right now is so bizarre, or maybe I just don’t clearly
understand the things that are currently changing when I was busy working and
my life’s years are moving, without me noticing. It’s like, “where am I”? “How
did I get there?”, “can I still wear hoodies, and watched 90210?” Is this the
curse of adulthood?
Last Saturday my closest high
school friend and I met up to watched a local film in the cinema. We had more
than an hour before the movie started so we spent the spare time doing window
shopping and chatting. I told her about my frequent emotional outburst. She
said that becoming a young adult is difficult because you now have to consider
a lot of things you don’t mind before when you are just in your late teens.
Talk about responsibility and awareness. I mentioned to her about my crazy
thought weeks ago when the idea of living alone for the rest of my life entered
my mind, and I cried the whole night. I have been thinking what if I don’t end
up married someday, and that nobody really wants to marry me, and though I may
still live with my parents, the fact is they would be gone too someday. And I
would be alone. We both laughed at how stupid this idea was, but actually I was
affected. How could I be so dumb to think of this stupid future thought?
I
really am in transition period between parting with my carefree teenage days
and entering the life of adulthood. But this bridge-crossing to that new life
scares the hell out of me. I am scared of responsibility. I am not ready of so
much responsibility. I am scared of the real life. I am wary of which ways to
choose, and what road to trudge for in the future. I am afraid. I am afraid of
being the leader and lead my life to somewhere… I don’t know. I am just afraid.
I really am…
