I have always been amazed by the wonders of the sea. The stillness of the water which depicts a soul in serenity and the angry waves that roll in the shore picturing strength and visibility create in me a curiosity to find out what wonders are there beneath the unfathomable depth. I have always been so curious at everything. The sea is just one of the things that delight me so much since a kid so I began to develop this kind of fondness towards marine animals. I find them cute. I could touch a jellyfish even there is a risk of being stung. I told him they amuse me so I plunged my hand in the waters to touch that soft head of a dark-colored jellyfish. He just laughed and said he will bring me a colorful one. That was summer of 2007. I almost fell in love, or maybe I really did.
It was in a youth gathering where I first met him and had no idea that he took my number from a friend. And so he texted me that night. Normally I don’t respond positively to those I haven’t known so much, but since he was in the same Christian group as I was, I gave him the chance. We started going out then, learning a lot of things from each other. He doesn’t talk much. I’m a chatterbox. But in some ways he did amused me. And now I’m afraid to recall how the feeling was at that moment. Even though I didn’t show him any significant signs that I’m interested with him he would still text or do a phone call, or accompany me during that lazy summer when I was so idle because I didn’t enrolled myself in summer classes. His persistence melted my heart. I liked to piss him off, and it was cute. He‘s cute. I could still remember his face, perfectly. It has been difficult for me to write something about him now because it’s like pulling out the pain that I had determinedly hid under my bed. I don’t like to deal with bad memories so I always have to think of reasons to be happy. Though that boy once made me happy.
One time when were strolling inside a mall he had notice that I like the color green because of the shirts I’d been wearing and declared that it was going to be his new favorite color (he said it in his most childish way). So the Zagu was always in pandan flavor. I couldn’t keep myself from smiling as I remember how childish he was. Just like me… we were alike in so many ways. He likes anime, he appreciates Mirumo (the mug fairy) and he loves skateboarding. He knew how the rain makes me melancholic and how I wanted to see a real penguin. He tolerated my childish manners. In many ways, I began to think he might be the perfect guy for me.
For two straight weeks we dated and he made me believe that everything between us, the friendship that was blossoming, would lead into something better. I did not assume somehow, but yes, I was hopeful. But in one of the last few days that we were together, he said he would be leaving with his family to another country and was sorry that he met me in just a short period of time. Said he was no longer ready to leave. That moment I knew everything will just be wasted. Every bit of that feeling we invested. So I just kept cool and pretended that it will never affect me in any way. I began to talk to him coldly and was ready to take distance. My heart shattered. He still came to see me in school before he left with his parents in Manila and told me to continually pray for both of us. It was sadder than I thought (thinking of that short, quick hug). That late Friday afternoon was filled with unspoken feelings, unexpressed thoughts and longings that were struggling to break free. I knew I no longer had time. I could feel the loneliness wrap around me and I went home just to sleep the awkward feeling away. I was certainly afraid to miss him.
When his family arrived in that country almost a thousand distances from the Philippines, he called me. We talked over the phone for more than an hour at least twice a week. He was telling me how difficult it was to adjust in his new home, that he had no friends yet to ease the boredom. He even mentioned once how the sky appeared quite lower there than what we have here in our country. I gave him my own scientific explanation about it. But deep inside me I was struggling to say this: “Hey, it doesn’t matter if it’s too low or too high. The thing is, we are still under the same sky. I will raise my hand to touch that star-studded sky tonight hoping to touch yours…”
The problem was he had been so busy sharing about his hard times in that new place. I had been waiting for him to say something about us, of what were his plans, but he failed to even check on me if I still have these damn feelings towards him. He over assumed things, I guess, while I played safe. I got tired of that setup and the last thing I remember I was trying to cut short our phone conversations till the communication ended. And on November 1st I lost my phone. He was not informed of my new number. It ended there. But the feelings continued to haunt me every time it rains or I saw a pandan-flavored Zagu, watched Spongebob or Mirumo de Pon. Feelings don’t die easily, perhaps. Yes, perhaps.
If this was a dream I could say it was almost near reality. I thought we’re going to end up together. His best friend said he was thinking the same too, but he stepped back when he thought I don’t have feelings for him because my actions caused him to doubt. So this made me realize that “labeling” matters. And trust is very essential. We were confused on which way to go, plus the fact that we were apart. But yes, this was not love. Love still prospers even if two people are far from each other. Yet, love or like, I think the feeling was somehow the same. It made me happy in a short while and I regretted nothing.
P.S. We were able to communicate through Facebook last year. I find it funny how he still called me by our endearment. He might not have forgotten everything at all.
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