Rainy night and I sat in front of the computer with nothing in my mind. Should I start reminiscing the past?
The colors that portrayed my life may seem vague at one moment, or maybe had grown dull at a certain point when everything was nearly broken, a collection of shattered dreams perhaps. There were times where I got so tired of life’s monotony, and there was a point where I got so elated by the wonders that I am experiencing. Is discontent really normal?
For a long time I have suffered the burden of what is called insecurity. Yes, I was once a very insecure girl who was afraid to step into the spot light for fear of seeing people’s inquisitive eyes questioning my worth as an individual. I have, for a couple of times, doubted my capacity to shine and glow like the others. There were so many step backs, hesitations, doubts, and worries that filled my younger days with shadows of fears, heartbreaks and frustrations. I have denied myself with reasons to be an ordinary, happy individual for I have always settled on a dark corner thinking that the crowd I wanted to join in would never accept me. I just wanted to fit in, but the society I wanted to mingle with seemed like sharp claws of hypocrisy that pierce through my flesh down to my soul, leaving me in pain and humiliated. Why, that is all that I wanted… Acceptance. Appreciation. I just wanted to be a part of what’s in, to be called “cool”, to walk down the school’s alley with my head up and face beaming with confidence which for me, at that time, was the most precious thing I could never afford. I was a stray cat in my teens. I feel like a fly trying to get into the saucer. Left-out, neglected, and unloved. This reminds me of Mabel Warring from Virginia Woolf’s story “The New Dress”. I have been rejected so many times. It was one of the painful parts of the past. And rejection still continues to haunt my being, even until now. My greatest fear… :(
